Sunday, July 3, 2011

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You think, from time to time, that you might have finally broken free from the bonds that kept you deeply sad and feeling lonely whenever you truly are -relieved, is how I might feel of this; maybe you are then finally ready to face the forthcoming with at least a beat of the heart.

But none of us is ready for the truth: the chains that bind are too strong to break, too heavy to drag -so well-made by us, the blacksmiths, because we trusted the world that we never would have to undo it, that never will come a time when even the lightning wont make us falter nor think twice.

But of course, however strongly we dissuade fate from taking place, no one is meant to direct the floods that drown. We might have stressed that we are the captains of our own vessels, adamant as we are to steer clear of the eye of the storm; but we cannot hold ground, for if we stayed, we'd forever be deluded; inundated, with every second, with darker, saltier brine.

The sun might shine on us, from time to time. And when it shines the longest, a familiar feeling is invoked: that relief has finally come. But with every cloud that passes, relief is torn to small pieces of hopeless mass, useless and forced to be forgotten. The cycle is ongoing, and i feel that it is going to take so long; with much empty breaths to blend with the empty spaces; so much convulsing shivers from the cold nights that seem like winter; such profound weakness, less looking-forward to the days.

And with such denial of the sadness.

I have come to hate the sadness myself -to its very bones, to its rotten flesh. I have accepted its existence, grown familiar with it, that i have full capacity to abhor even its shadow. With every opportunity, i slay a part of it, praying it never grows back. And with every part of it i bury, i extract from myself a memory to rest with it, something it so loves to haunt me with. In the future, maybe the memory will come again, but invoking not sadness but a peace, ready to find itself somewhat useful.

Nostalgia is said to be beautiful -that i cannot yet accept, but i look forward to it.

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