Friday, January 13, 2012

It is a day of suddenly asking the rhetorical Qs.

Usually, we all end up knowing something about ourselves, a definite thing, something we are at an absolute certainty of, that we think -know, would set us apart from the multitude -of the daily commute, the lunchroom queue, the boardroom table, the world. Imagine it to be a force we set a ball called CONFIDENCE into motion. Now the ball would go on rolling, along and through anything, dictated by the force we equipped it with and until the force fizzles out, it will go on well into the demise of our tired but unique and happy souls.

The matter of present rant is that sometimes, even if we feel that we are enough, that life is well and good and reverence from the voices outside our heads is adequate, there are situations where we'll be made to feel inadequate -inept, even, that it would throw us off and beg ourselves to change.

I do not feel that i am good enough a son to my parents. Thus i rebel a bit now that i am independent and also in a way dependent to them, which is complicated. And feeling this way certainly helps espouse the branching out of the paranoia that i am not a well person enough as anyone to everybody i have come to know in my lifetime. My courage permits me to ask certain rhetorical questions: as a brother? Pupil? Intern? Friend? Boyfriend? And the list would go on.

And then there comes the question that bugs me the most: Am I good enough for myself?

It bothers me that my courage cant do more than just ask and not venture for answers. But then my rational mind would tell me that asking straight up would be considered weird, and ultimately would somehow breach my image in their eyes. Of course i cannot drop a clue as to how crazy i have become with so many questions droning in my head.

So i shall try to play it by ear, and not ask at all. Observation would be key, and then manifest changes in a manner that would be tasteful, and ensure permanence of the newfound self.

Now i wonder if im the only one assessing himself, if he is enough.

Hay. The calm of being away from the city certainly brings me to a level of craziness. And this is what makes me unique. Kidding.