Sunday, April 15, 2012

Doesnt getting wet seem to get trouble out?

Well, had i not done this impromptu and brought a towel, then id be happy.

It is bittersweet having to write about things unknown to anyone but myself -sweet, because no one reads about my problems (people probably wont get it anyway); and bitter, because no one reads me, no one understands me.

Because maybe i count as a person to other people. In short, people still care.

Hopefully not too much.

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So, yes, something out of the ordinary might help to keep the depression away, like swimming; or eating something really crunchy; or drinking. It is happy to be in control of one's emotions. Shit.

Monday, April 9, 2012

I Cant Map Out My Feelings

I cant map out my feelings.

I just cant seem to, for the life of me or the relationships i struggle to keep, figure out life. My motto is to keep thinking, and i cant help but short-circuit at the crucial moments. Has thinking becoming a way to carve my road to, to put it harshly, destruction? I hope not.

Buut of course when my instincts take over i turn acidic in my stomach and hurt people some more. Is this the evil that i have been avoiding so i keep analysing every step i take?

Everything is becoming so damned confusing, and i bet a week from now i will have forgotten why i was sad and wrote this. I am unwell now, that is the bottomline.

I just dont want to see the day when voices in my head shall start to control me. I have handled mental stress but real life is all new to me. Give me a book.

And no one wants to listen to me. Right, these things in my head are petty. But a precaution is never harmful.

I need a break.

But i dont want to leave things temporarily behind, thinking they might get worse without my watch. But i should convince myself to relinquish care for a bit: things heal on their own, and they will, even without my watch. Hopefully in my absence problems would be stagnant at best -cant be too trusting, i guess. Then in my retreat my mind will wander off to find peace. Cliche, i used to think; but now it feels like a really hopeful solution. That's it: a retreat.

Let the foolish remain foolish, when they cant be helped. If things go haywire i wont be watching. Il be ready when i get back, to throw things into the trash, and try to pick up where i abruptly left.

That is it: a break.

I have to get my ass off the couch

I have to get my ass off the couch.

I really do.

It has been more than six months that i have been unemployed. I have never been formally employed, but i have experience. I have experienced some forms of work: housechores (cooking, baking, making the bed), hospital grunt work (i am a PT graduate, which i still cant believe), and writing(take this out of my portfolio). I've done some online content writing for an international website (i have to keep reminding myself this or else i'll risk forgetting that I have a decent portfolio) --mostly captions, but still, published.

In my opinion, I deserve something decent and not something bordering illegal and underground. Or a job description that sounds catchy, and that's all of it.

There is a position that i want to have in a certain international company that does international work, but the wait is not worth it.

Also, i want to a certain position in a magazine, but they have not responded yet.

An online store. No response.

A certain office serving international clients miles high. No response.

My dilemma is that i know what i want but they take too long to respond. I am losing the rational voice in my head to depression, and this is the dullest ive ever been. On the outside, my days are fine, sometimes great; but come the nights and i blanket myself with sadness. Life is unfair, but why cant i be on the winning side, just for a day, to get a really good chance? Im ripe, and i am up for anything. Give me something, and i'll be the man for it. Desperation gives me the guts, and my boredom fuels me. But behind these, i really want those posts.

I have had my ass buried in the couch too long.