Tuesday, July 31, 2012
And here i am, a deer in headlights. I am dazed and more confused.
I never knew why i do things to make my life miserable. Maybe it is just me. Or maybe this stormy bed weather makes it feel that way,
and i'll be alright come the sun.
For posterity i am going to enumerate things i have done, hopefully not in vain, to make myself feel less like my normal self, which is depressed:
2. Prayed. Im a Catholic and i love having a silent, fervent prayer when the moments turn vicious.
3. I swiped plastic for a headset. I am now waiting for Betty's monster of an email. The headset is expensive.
4. Walked around a mall (with my newly bought headset on, of course). Did i defeat the purpose by shutting myself in with my loud music, instead of interacting with people? I think i did. So this might have been a complete bust.
5. Tried having sex. Failed. Another bust.
My purpose is to remind myself that in the future i have to think of better things to waste my time on. What you do, Albert, is out of the ordinary. Because you are abnormal.
Now is the moment when i just realized that:
1. Emotions are relevant.
2. Moods are real, and they may vary from time to time.
3. Human beings are much more complicated.
These may all just be in my head. Well, all of these are. But am i the only one making these realizations?
If in any part of this you get confused, bear in mind that this is from my head. This may also serve as a letter to my future self in case i lose memory and need reminding of how big a cynic i am.
For the most part of my life, the heart has been a pumping mass of flesh and fibers that the brain has control of. It does not do anything but keep humans alive.
Now it has occurred to me that when a sudden pang of emotion happens, the body is likely to be more compelled compared to when the brain does the commanding. Well, this is myself under observation.
It causes an upheaval. And it being irrational, i take that the brain would have to stop it. But it doesnt always do that. A losing game it may be, the heart wants it and it will bet on it with every ounce of dignity. Clearly, it is being stupid, driving me stupid, and i end up undignified.
Usually, happiness is the price. And i stand a chance to be content in the end. Happy and contented, but is it all worth it? If being irrational gets me happiness and contentment, i would have to think and think and THINK before anything.
See, this is already bad writing.
But when the heart attacks, i have to write about it.
(thankfully, it is still ON)
I hope i have expressed myself sweetly enough, because that is how far this is going to get. Unless i can help it.
So here, the tenth month has been reached. Yes this is the longest i have stayed/tolerated another person. Normally i dont even talk or text. But commitment brings a new color in me, figuratively. It is a combination of happines and anxiety and being careful enough not to be the normally abrasive asshole i always am with other people. Call it being two-faced, whatever. Actually, fuck you.
I am not sure how emotions got involved, from the beginning. Maybe it was mutual. More likely it pushed some things into life inside this hollow chest of mine (i cant speak for another person, so only my assumptions are on text), and it churned out something bittersweet. I generally cant say any one of my relationships, family ties, friendships and feuds included, is flatout happy -just bittersweet. So i guess by feeling that bit of challenge is the salt and pepper i need to season my life.
There are good things in my life, and there are problems. And then there is this relationship that balances everything. It is a sort of gray area where i do most of the debriefing when life gives me something awesome or crappy.
Like a homebase or something. Somewhere i would call comfortable.