Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Friday, November 1, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Or do whatever it takes for you to end up (and eventually die) doing what you love, whatever it is you want to do, even if it takes your life.
Because it is the purpose you and I have been made for, and it the reason to live, and if it really is what it is,, then id be happy to die of it.
Pretty idealistic. In a way it is grim, knowing that the ultimate end would be death. But don’t we already know that death will come? And at this point, the ‘YOLO’ adage comes in.
Life comes and goes. Painful to be left by someone. Also when it is your turn to finally leave people behind. Death can only be sweet when it is:
And with these I guide myself, no less, through life. Guidance through life using death. Flashy.
And this is when I know that I should be great. i shouldn’t exit BIG; I’d rather live big, and then die in a small manner. Pull together my greatest of works and then publish, then wait for the fame, and if that doesn’t do anything to help the spread of common good, I’d settle with infamy for the plagues I’ve unknowingly let out. Either way, something I have done is out there, bolstered the good, or at least shaken weak faith.
Anyhow, I am not dying. Simply thinking. Hopefully not stinking.
On with the current events:
It has been five months since I last posted. And for much longer before that, I think. I still hope to write for my fame though.
I have a new set of long-term goals:
I am pretty sure however that some people have as much claim to this as I do. But this is my laptop and this goes to my blog so let us keep the spotlight on me. And although being well past my teenage years, this is still my space.
I have thoroughly figured out, and accepted completely, that it is not about the loneliness –being single in this age is not as pressuring as it was ten to twenty years ago, but more about the lack of sex, that is driving me to feel alone. In the advent of casual sex, and its viability due to convenience, I have managed to get by, though not as easily as I had previously hoped, but I am managing to live single and just consume sex, or at least it is how I imagine my life would be, if it were all a movie. In this movie I am the lead with just one sex partner whom I have sex with from time to time, at my beck and call, and we shall not have anything deeper than tongue-on-tongue action, and this is because I do not believe in penetration because it is unsafe on all counts, with all the holes and the nooks and crannies riddling the human body. Make out, relieve ourselves, make out some more, then finish. No strings. Decent conversations, occasional dates, more talking and intellectual debates shall be had, all of them deeply ingrained into the script, and since no one is vulnerable emotionally, either of us will be free to shoot down each other’s badly-conceived ideas. Because no biases are present, no bad feelings will emerge. Every comment will be respected and not taken personally, and if not, both shall just agree to disagree.Done. And only sex is imminent in every end of the conversation or prior to, and then more talking. Then more talking then the casual goodbyes, the usual thank you text messages, and the agreement to do it again, and it will be fulfilled, and this is the only form of commitment present.
I am bad at remembering dates, so no date will be picked tomark the conception of the unconventional relationship. And no one would even care about the dates. And no one would call the relationship a ‘relationship’ because it is disgusting. It wouldn’t even be called a partnership. It is what it is: what I have defined it to be, and since it is too complicated to name, it will have no name, and rightfully so, because labels are disgusting and there would be a lot of pressure if it were to be called something. It is a ‘complicated thing without a name, but it is well understoodby the only people involved, and it serves a purpose, so it exists and it thrives and survives whatever’. Too long, but I can live with it. But I shall not say it.
The movie will have a wonderful script, with a lot of idiosyncrasies courtesy of me, and it will be shocking, unconventional and borderline weird, similar to how my life is.References to pop culture will be scattered, so as not to alienate the conventional moviegoer. This will give some kind of reality to hold onto. It will be set in somewhere cool, somewhere not too hot, and not third world, where they do not have jobs to juggle, just one. And these jobs would have regular hours, as to make both available. Money, or lack thereof, would be out of the picture too. Each one has whatever one needs to survive, and whatever want it is that is wanted, it will be acquired, because both of us are sufficient. No borrowing, no one will be short on rent or utility bills, whatever. The living shouldn’t present anything remotely real. There will be the right amount of money, but not too much that it creates some form of conflict between classes. Schedules will be synced without much effort. Coincidental, maybe, but no one notices it, so no one points it out.
Basically, what I am hoping for is a dissection of what I reallywant, and this movie might be some kind of a wake-up call, but I am really hoping for it to be some kind of affirmation that my life is not really a mess, and that my weird ideas are truly plausible, and therefore possible, with the right set of factors. I want to reach a conclusion that in this day and age, a person like me who is not so uncommon, who harbors ideas that are not completely hard to digest, with parameters that are not at all astronomical, sex without strings attached is coherent enough to be one of the choices among marrying and staying single and sexless. I choose to be single with sex and without much commitment other than being there when needed, being a proper sounding board for ideas and being level-headed when needed. I do not need strings. Hmm. I would rather not have any.
And this is how I am preparing to start my 24th year. September 4th, 2013 marks the start of something new. Something not socially acceptable (but doable) but with my disregard for social convention (and my adherence to believing it to be bullshit actually), I might find this comforting in the long-term.
Tell me what you think. I am going to bed.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
This day marks the occurrence of three or more small incidents that all brought me down, zero to negative. Singled out, each one of these problems i wouldnt mind ordinarily; shit happens every day. No one is invulnerable although id like to see whats that like one day. But brought together, shits me up like a POW on each cheek.
And since every calls for a full-blown mind-arranging session, here's me, in black and white:
I have just undergone a breakup. Dont ask if i cried. No one does. (I mean i didnt cry about the breakup). As of current writing and all the way to the posting i shall be sad like soggy fries left uneaten. Clearly, my humor only churns out darkness at this point.
The main thing that gets me every single time i think about how sad i am is the fact that getting through the DABD (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression) stages down to the A (Acceptance) takes time. And believe me, i am rushing it. I am rushing it using the method i only used to tell my friends who have undergone breakups at one point and theyre bumming out everyone at the table. It is fast and effective but could lead to ruin. Needless to say, it is a desperate move, leave it at that.
The part where i am rushing everything to finish every stage at once may be the problem. I seem to take too long to manage anger. And the depression is driving me down the balcony (kidding). Denial, easily done. Bargaining, only with myself. And then there's Acceptance, also done. Yes, you cant skip a stage. Backlog's a bitch, yes.
Obviously, i have a lot going on in my mind, and a little going on in the bed. Maybe i'll leave my problems out there for the world to deal with.
Anyway. So the hard part's over. This would have to be the most raw i've ever been, and judge all you can about how i really am in real life, i dont fucking care. I have a lot on my mind right now. Yes, Blogger, don't judge me.
AND HERE, some good news:
I am rediscovering myself. And i have found out that i like to walk around alone naked while smoking and writing. Please knock before entering. Do knock.
I am more addicted to coffee than before. It drives me restless without the occasional swig of water. Also, Florence + The Machine has found a way to talk to my inner person, much like how Amy Winehouse does. Also, that Norah Jones puts me to sleep better than any pill could. I am extremely difficult to put to sleep. She doesnt bore but inflict calmness. I am asleep three songs into the album.
I am terribly sorry for my bad writing (again). But luckily i have no editor, and luckily-er, i dont give a fuck. No one reads this shit.
What a joy to be free. Of course being free also means being alone, but happiness is just around the corner.