Sunday, January 19, 2014

An 'I am so so sorry' Letter.

Again in the tradition of all socially appropriate things, i am writing this little note to you to say sorry for being that bad influence. I have been bad and i mainly had no great intentions in wanting you to participate in what you and i have done. It was selfish of me and i hope you forgive me and i hope he forgets. Although i seriously doubt that he'll ever forget, and so i hope he is not plotting to kill me. I am not the most likable person, yes, but i am also not deserving of death for whatever reason. I didnt even finish, and you didnt as well, so i deserve some sort of leniency.

I have been missing you and i do want to finish. The both of us know the things i want to happen and youve made your terms known so i think we just need some more time and a lot of caution if we're willing to do what we have planned earlier when i was speaking to you.

It is not my business, but you do not deserve to be tracked and followed. I am hesitant to lecture you about the dynamics of relationships because i am not the best person to ask. Actually i am the worst. But you deserve his trust. Or at least you deserve your own peace of mind.

I want this setup to be clean: you stay with him, i stay on the side. I am being weird about this, right? I want nothing close to a commitment. I want something else, and if you do choose me to be the kind of guy to fill the gaps you need filled, i'd be happy. I dont want carnal things, what i want is what nobody else wants, because no one understands. Well, you hopefully would understand, youve tried me.

On some level i know you'd set me aside, and then eventually forget, and i might too. Life might happen, but at this moment i want things to be the way i want them to be, and please consider, because not all the time do i get the things i want.

This is the perfect time in our lives to make mistakes. 

Sunday, January 5, 2014

The 2014 that is to be more disastrous than the past 365 days.

In light of the new year, and to be in tune with the society’s addiction to lists and improving, I have come up with some things that I shall do for 2014. The deadline is December 31st, 2014 and the list isn’t exactly done yet and it might grow a few more bullets in the coming months but I aim to do everything and I do not want to pluck a few items off my list because hey that is what a new set of days is about: to become better, if not a different person altogether.

Now I am not one for long-winded intros and bless me for being wordy if you think I am, but I would like to say that some of these items aren’t really entirely new, but I feel that they need to be done for the coming year and so here I go wrecking my life and earning a little more stripes until I decide to completely turn into a saint and be boring for the rest of my life.

1.       Drink more. Drink more alcohol. And more regularly.

Because a growing boy needs his nightlife and what is a night’s living without the usual binging and crazy blacked-out dancing? To answer that rhetorical question, my alcohol free nights in the past year were totally boring and I was much more reserved and life hasn’t really opened up then and now is the time to waste more bodily fluids through throwing up, sweating and just generally alcohol ingestion. To a healthier alcohol tolerance, YES!

2.       Go out more. More regularly.

This is obviously related to the previous item. Yes to more nights spent outside, more people to meet, and to a certain extent block out the darkness that whispers. I want to spend the year in darkness outside, and not inside my head, brooding in my couch, in my underwear, smoking.

3.       Have more meaningless sex.

Well, my first no-nonsense post. Chill the fuck out. I’ll have sex when I have to, with any number of people I think would be optimal to my need. And for the record, I haven’t done anything beyond a threesome, so chill the fuck out.

4.       Stay single.

Not because of the other resolution, but because I want to fucking keep clear of emotions til I am mature enough to keep my own sanity straight sailing, voluntarily. So no relationships, yes to more sex. With awesome good people.

5.       Read more.

I have started reading again in 2013 since the firework of a break-up. Consider this reading thing my most selfish resolution and I will definitely spend more on books, and despite my recent discovery of Uniqlo and GAP stores, more trips to Fully Booked to stock up on Palahniuk and Sedaris, and more hopefully.

6.       Have friends.

In my head, I know why I am talking about this, and there is no way for anyone else to understand the shitstorm to come if I decide to describe my loneliness and my love of being alone. But hey no one reads this, so I do not worry.

7.       I have no opinion about dieting.

I really don’t. I am average, I eat what I want. Don’t calorie count within a 300 meter radius.

8.       Also working out.

Maybe when in the future when I think I may have to.

9.       Try saving. Money. For vacations.

Because my last vacation was financially traumatic and I totally didn’t come prepared. It was all just four days beachwalking, binge drinking when the night came, and waking up at noon, and eating a little before walking along the shores again and waiting for the sunset. Romantic, a little bit, but the real fun was at night. The vacation left me poor, in debt, and a lot dehydrated. But it was four nights of pure alcoholic pleasure and I danced for the first time in my life, and while the dancing did nothing to instill grace into my moves, being punch-drunk and not caring did make me feel normal and less of a wallflower.

10.   Maintain anonymity.

People freak me out. Anxiety attacks left and right. Don’t.

11.   Be lost. Somehow.

I would prefer geographically, but if the world wants another form of lost-ness then I am all for it. Just as long as I don’t get cold, I shall be alright.

The usual loss of guidance.

And another general update.

So there was something last night. Beer and soju and a headache so bad I could have been bleeding from my forehead.

Prior, even before having my first sip, it occurred to me that the lives of these people around me, big and small, wouldn’t be the way they are that night, or for their whole lives, if I hadn’t been born. Or if maybe there are two of me, which could mean worse. Not saying that the states of lives the world over is dependent on me. Not on my life alone, but everyone’s. This is one of the things why I am an outsider, see.
To expound, if there’s a timeline with a predetermined number of people, and mapped out are their lives and eventual deaths, with all the lives interconnected. First theorem: each event that takes place is a trigger for the next, and there is a chain of events following every single event. Or a fanning out, like the mousetraps in Mouse Hunt. So starting from five separate events (geographically, for instance), each fan would start moving til midway they interconnect while on their own respective courses, and each interconnection would spark another trigger, starting a new fan. It all spreads and spreads until some die out, and some go on. Imagine soundwaves bouncing off one another, some blending to boom louder, while others get decimated to muter irrelevance til gone. Endlessly. Or maybe not.

In this model, I visualize how life is: an endless row of people. Touching each other.

And now that I have this in my head, I shall now put in effect my other theory: that it will be different if there is none of me: and if there is another one of me, the same annoying me.

Of course, if I were to be taken out, my spot would be blank. That’s the first thing. If there is a gap, a blank area, there would be nothing there to pass onto what ever the wave preceding is carrying, and therefore,  the triggers waiting for the pass might get a different pulse, maybe weaker. This notable weakness in a pulse would correspond to a weaker subsequent wave, and compared to IF I were there, there’d be a fade, and eventually, an event at a farther end wouldn’t be reached, and therefore I am important. This is a nice thing to think about when working behind a desk, occluded by a pile of papers: “You motherfuckers wouldn’t wish me gone. No one would”.

In the long run, every single life is important, and this is why I have a belief in equality of intrinsic qualities. All that integral cog shit the movies are talking about? YES I believe.

So what if there were two of me. The points would be standing beside one another, and being of the same frequency, because they’re both me, a cancelling out would occur, most probably, somewhere far along the line. In my head it is an interesting pattern, and if I had the time and industry to draw and scan, I would make illustrations for all of my blogs but this is the real world, and I am the only one benefitting from this writing, and I think inside my head is the most effective whiteboard.

Anyway, there. A cancelling out somewhere, and interestingly it might mean a disruption, which is nice. Or an early death of both my energies, which would be sad. To cast it wider, and hopefully farther, I must be doing something for myself, something beneficial. To myself. To the world, it might be havoc, but the two identical twins do not care, theyre out to conquer the world.

Anyway these two separate theories are set in a complex universe where magic is possible, and destinies are stuck in place. This beats time travel, in my opinion, because you pluck out one person out of the general timeline, and you get to observe what happens next. For example, take out Adolf Hitler, and what would happen: exciting isn’t it? Or put two Mother Teresas. Or make two of your best fuck buddy, and see how that would play out.

In the end, im all for the fun of it all. Goodnight.